X-Files S9E5: Oh lord, where's the insect repellent?

Sestra Amateur: 

Who had to read William Golding’s classic novel Lord of the Flies in school? That story depicts what might happen when school-aged boys are stranded on an island without adult supervision – or civilization – to keep them in check. The X-Files may be using the title but the script goes off in a typically different direction.

Aaron Paul’s face is the first one we see in this episode. Makes you wonder whether he and Vince Gilligan crossed paths here before they moved on to Breaking Bad, possibly the high point of both careers. Here, Paul plays David Winkle, aka Sky Commander Winky, the torturer to torturee Bill, aka Cap’n Dare, as they film a Jackass-type stunt show called The Dumb Ass Show. Dare’s girlfriend, Natalie (Samaire Armstrong)  briefly provides the voice of reason but she bows to crowd pressure. Unfortunately for Bill, his face caves in during the last stunt. 

Agents John Doggett and Monica Reyes respond to the Medical Examiner’s Office in Ocean County, New Jersey, where the coroner can’t -- and won’t -- explain what killed Dumbass Bill. Team Johnica also can’t explain why there’s a swarm of flies coming out of Bill’s eye. They call in Agent Dana Scully, who verifies Cap’n Dare was protected from impact trauma by his helmet. His injuries came from within. Dana gets assistance from an unsolicited source, Dr. Rocky Bronzino, who Sestra Pro will probably despise because he’s from Rutgers University, not because of his “winning” personality. He’s brought in as the entomology expert. Yep, he’s a bug man.

At Garfield High School, Natalie is lost in thought as creepy loner Dylan Lokensgard stares at her. Sky Commander Winky and his Camera Dude (that’s his sidekick’s actual name credit) interrupt her quiet moment to demand she contribute to Cap’n Dare’s memorial video. That gets Dylan’s attention. He relates to former Pink Floyd member Syd Barrett so tread lightly, David Winkle. Of course, David humiliates him in front of everyone and the cafeteria antics get both of them in trouble. I’m sure it doesn’t help Dylan that the principal is Anne Lokensgard, Dylan’s mother.

Doggett and Reyes watch the video from David and Bill’s day of dumbass-ery. Monica notices Dylan is the only one there not partaking in the “fun.” Mrs. Lokensgard, played by Jane Lynch (so many familiar faces in this one), brings Sky Commander Winky to Team Johnica for an interview, but David has trouble sitting still. It’s not because he feels guilty, but because someone inflicted a “dumb ass” tramp stamp on his lower back. In the Lokensgard house, Mom tries to lay down the law but Dylan won’t listen. He retreats to his bedroom, which is a Syd Barrett shrine, and moons over a picture of Natalie while ignoring his mother. Meanwhile, flies swarm around his window.

Scully tells Reyes and Doggett that the flies that ate Bill’s brain were all female. Monica agrees it’s a biological attack and thinks Dylan somehow controls the flies. Natalie goes to Dylan’s house the next morning, but Mom won’t let her in. Anne tries to talk to her son about how his body is going through “changes.” He refuses to listen and heads to school.

Dana and Rocky go to the crime scene. Turns out, Dr. Bronzino is a big fan of pheromones. We really should introduce him to Dr. Bambi Berenbaum (Season 3, Episode 12's "War of the Coprophages"). His pickup lines aren’t working on Scully. His sensors pick up Dylan as he pedals past them, but Dana and Rocky are too busy looking for flies in the sky to notice him. Dylan catches up to Natalie at school. (How apropos she drives a Volkswagen Beetle.) They seem to like each other. The morning bell ruins the moment, but Team Johnica’s arrival probably would have had the same effect. Anne arrives and tries to end the interview. Dylan reacts by getting fly-swarmed. This is why kids shouldn’t be forced attend the same school where their parents work.

Reyes is convinced Dylan is controlling the bugs. Scully is carrying samples from Dylan’s fly swarm and they tip the scales on Bronzino’s pheromone machine. He claims it’s impossible for a boy to emit insect pheromones, but nothing is impossible on this show. Natalie unexpectedly shows up at Dylan’s house, climbs through his bedroom window and kisses him. Too bad he somehow causes her mouth to bleed and that sends her out of the house in a panic. Sky Commander Winky and his posse then arrive and kidnap “Bug Boy.” Dylan crashes the car by showing what’s actually in his mouth. (Poor Natalie.)

Dana and Rocky go to the Lokensgard home, which is empty except for the presence of insect pheromones. John and Monica find David’s flipped car on the roadway. He and his posse are trapped inside and covered in webbing. Bronzino continues to bug Scully, so she leaves him to go to the crash scene. Reyes goes to Natalie’s house to ask for her help but Dylan shows up there too. He claims he killed Bill to stop him from killing Natalie during the final dumbass stunt. Rocky, who Dana left alone in the Lokensgard house, meets Anne who attacks and webs him. (That’s no way to treat a partner, Scully!) The bug thing is clearly a hereditary condition. Doggett gets to Natalie’s house and finds Reyes trapped in a cocoon. Dylan has taken Natalie to his own home, where Anne finally explains why he’s not like the other kids. 

Dana searches the Lokensgard attic and rescues Bronzino from a cocoon. This may be the worst-scripted doctoring moment for Scully because Rocky is talking to her, has a beating heart, a pulse and a smile on his face but she still performs CPR on him. Team Johnica are there to witness it. Three other bodies were found hidden in the attic, including Dylan’s missing father, whom he thought abandoned him. The Lokensgards escape and head for parts unknown but Dylan sends a final “I Love You” message to Natalie written in fireflies. Hopefully, no bugs, teens or adults were harmed in the making of this episode.

Sestra Professional: 

And so it goes ... from one of the best episodes of the original run to one of the worst. We've long lamented that teen storylines are not The X-Files' strong suit. These tales have been pastiches of perfunctory teenage experience mingled with some kind of (I assume unintentional) writers' in-retrospect condescension. In other words, not exactly capturing the nature of the awkward adolescents' experience as a whole or William Golding's novel in specific.

 

This kid had crap for brains, the flies just couldn't resist: So for probably the last time, I sit down to watch the fifth episode of the ninth season. I'm quite convinced this will not be worthy of my time during future rewatches of the series. I'm backed up by some pretty sketchy plot points, not-so-special effects and performances across the board. There's no character enhancement or nuances, and so I'll let this one fly away the minute I wrap up guest star of the week honors. If there are any.

 

Perhaps the least damning thing I can say about this Thomas Schnauz-penned episode is that with the "Dumb Ass Show" that's the investigation's catalyst, a fairly good recreation is offered up of MTV's stupid-stunt spectacle Jackass, which was popular with its target audience at this time in our series' original run.

Otherwise there's not much to be said for "The Lord of the Flies." It's certainly not representative of what was becoming the Twilight Zone-esque model for Season 9. It's not scary or tension-filled or even funny. I've long been an S9 supporter -- in truth, I prefer it to the seventh season -- but this ep does a lot of what bothers me about S7. It seems to just be going through the motions. In short, it just bugs me.

I glance at them for amusement: With a lot of spare time while watching this, I looked long and hard for a continuation of the simmering connection we saw developing between John and Monica in "4-D" (S9E4). The closest I could find was Reyes eyeing Doggett sideways when he mentioned peeking at suggestive ads in the back of a magazine.

But at least someone got something out of this episode, namely Vince Gilligan (credited as executive producer, but otherwise not involved in this chaos). As Sestra Am alluded to, we can almost chart the course toward the creation of his Breaking Bad franchise over the course of this rewatch. He's stockpiling for the future! There was Bryan Cranston in "Drive" (S6E2) and now Aaron Paul here. 

Someone is directing the biology: Ooooh, the kid's got a Bob Dylan poster in the midst of Syd Barrett shrine, which I guess is supposed to make us feel he's worthy of our empathy because he's so deeeeeep that he knows Barrett was a huge influence on Dylan. I see nothing in his demeanor that suggests he's gotten much out of his namesake's lyrics. Then again, maybe I'm overthinking it. Because this ep is Dullsville, USA, I'm going to tell a story about when I was a young teen. I was obsessed by the idea of getting a particular shirt of The Doors. I don't remember being a big fan of the group, I didn't have any records by them at the time, I just wanted the shirt because I found the colorful imagery cool. So I'm reversing my course and giving him a pass on the Dylan poster because it could be the same thing.

 

The attempted heartwarming scene between Dylan and Natalie is a perfect example of what I was referring to earlier. What a clunky piece of tripe. I've seen better love scenes in a knockoff of an '80s teen film's knockoff's knockoff. In other words, I'd rather watch a Brazilian princess try to save the rain forest by lambada-ing in 1990's The Forbidden Dance.

 

Mothers are women too: I'm almost sure I know the answer, but I'm willing to put this to a vote: Is Dr. Rocky Bronzino the most annoying guest character in the history of this series? This has little to nothing to do with his Rutgers background. How have we've progressed from the likes of smart-and-sexy Dr. Bambi to the guy with rocks in both his head and his name? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I wish I could enjoy Mama's admission that she understood what was going on with her offspring all along, because Jane Lynch sells that factoid about as well as she possibly could have that late in the game. In previous seasons, this script might gave gotten a polishing that put it at least on par with the episodes we used to consider sub-par -- the clawing cats and Mexican goat suckers of the world. Maybe it's good to know there's a new low, a place where "Teso Dos Bichos" (S3E18) and "El Mundo Gira" (S4E11) don't seem as bad as they once did.

Worst guest star of the week: I can't in good conscience dole out kudos in this category, even with the presence of Aaron Paul and Jane Lynch -- two actors who have the power to give any project a boost. I'm going to have to go the opposite way. This one set the bar for guest shots back far longer than the lifespan of the average fly. Sorry, not sorry, Michael Wiseman.