Sestra Amateur:
Yes, "Død Kalm" means Dead Calm, but let me clear this up for you right now: This is not the movie featuring a young, athletic and shirtless Billy Zane. In fact, most of the characters don’t remain young or go shirtless in this one. But Dead Calm is available on cable, so feel free to get your Zane fix then come back to the blog. [Editor's note: Sestra Pro does not endorse this course of action. X-Files first, of my word!]
In the Norwegian Sea, there’s mutiny aboard the USS Ardent destroyer escort. Some of the crew leave because they think their lives are in danger. They’re right. The mutineers are rescued by a civilian boat, but all the servicemen are deformed. I think they’re supposed to have aged, but old-person makeup was spotty in the early '90s, so it looks more like radiation exposure.
Mulder and Scully get involved when the lone survivor, Lt. Richard Harper, is brought to Bethesda Hospital. Sculder also learn the Ardent has disappeared. Scully questions Harper’s age and wants to review his medical records, but gets thrown out without any answers by Harper’s doctor.
Back at the bureau, Fox shows Dana a map of the Norwegian Sea that has experienced suspicious activity similar to the Bermuda Triangle. Mulder mentions the Philadelphia Experiment and tells Scully about the USS Eldridge, which disappeared from Philadelphia in 1943 and reappeared moments later in Virginia, possibly due to alien technology. Too bad there are no cameos by Michael Paré (from the movie) or Brad Johnson (from the sequel). Hey, didn’t Nicholas Lea (Krycek) star in the Philadelphia Experiment remake? There’s only one degree of separation here.
Sculder head north to Norway to get some answers, but run into a few dead ends. They hitch a boat ride with Henry Trondheim, played by John Savage, who seems to be doing his best Jon Voight impersonation. Poor Mulder is nauseous because didn’t take his Dramamine and he certainly doesn’t have Scully’s sea legs. Henry, who says his radar is screwed up, literally runs right into the USS Ardent. It’s a ghost ship – even though commissioned in 1991, it looks like it’s been abandoned for decades. Now I know why the movie Ghost Ship always felt familiar. It looks like they stole whole scenes from this episode.
Sculder find the crew members in mummified condition. The agents, Henry and his crewmate get stranded on the Ardent when someone takes off with Trondheim’s boat. Looks like it’s time to make the best of a bad situation. Fox lays his theory on Henry, who is in full skeptic mode. Luckily, Sculder find an aged Captain Barclay hiding in a closet with a bottle of whiskey, so that bolsters Mulder’s story. Barclay doubts Sculder can help him and I’m beginning to doubt it too. Then someone kills Trondheim’s crewman and a pirate whaler named Olafsson is found on the ship. He hasn’t aged at all, so that makes him a pretty good suspect.
Fox and Henry bring him to Dana. Henry’s line, “He’d have killed me too, if it wasn’t for Mulder” is delivered exactly like a Scooby Doo villain after the gang solves a case: “And I’d have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.” Too bad Barclay dies while they were futzing around with Olafsson.
Everyone but Fox tries to get some rest. When he wakes up Dana, both of them have aged. Smart Scully points out that even though their skin has wrinkled, their hair hasn’t turned gray or fallen out. Olafsson is still young and pretty, though. Dana explains the science behind “free radicals” and how that's triggered a reaction in them. Sculder then take a break from exposition to try and figure out why the ship is bleeding. OK, it’s not actually blood, just rust.
Trondheim watches a tied-up Olafsson, who makes his case for being let go. Fox finds out there’s uncontaminated water available through the ship’s sewage system. Henry learned the same thing from Olafsson, then killed him and started drinking the toilet water. Trondheim claims Olafsson escaped, but we – and Mulder – know better. Dana performs blood tests and learns Fox is doing the worst of them. Scully describes their condition as “Heavy Salt” – pretty much what I do when I order fries or popcorn, but on an even higher level – because this is causing damage on a cellular level. Henry wants Fox’s water rations and pleads his case to Dana. Good luck with that, you one-episode wonder.
Scully ends up holding Trondheim at gunpoint as he selfishly blocks off the clean water for himself. Down, but not out, Dana tears apart the ship looking for liquids that are safe for her partner to drink. Not tasty, mind you, but safe. Scully concocts a nasty beverage consisting of sardine juice, lemon juice and snow globe water. Snips and snails and puppy dog tails would probably taste better. Mulder uses science to convince her to drink the jar of sardine lemon water. Are they absolutely sure there isn’t any whiskey left?? It becomes a moot point anyway; the ship gets jarred and the jar gets broken. The destroyer escort starts flooding and Henry is the first to go, since he inadvertently trapped himself with the rising waters. That’s called karma, fyr (which is Norwegian for dude). Sculder are the remaining two little Indians.
Hours later -- I guess it’s sinking slower now -- Dana tells Fox they have nothing to fear in the afterlife and Mulder goes to sleep. Then they die and The X-Files ends its two-season run. OK, it doesn’t go exactly that way. Just when it looks like the end for our intrepid, yet under contract heroes, they are uneventfully rescued. Dr. Laskos, the mean lady who kicked Scully out of Lt. Harper’s room, is now treating Dana and Fox. The doc is able to nurse them back to health since Scully wrote such detailed notes about their condition while on the Ardent. I should’ve kept a tally of how many times Mulder and Scully save each other’s lives. Hopefully, Mulder remembers to take his Dramamine before the Season Six episode "Triangle!"
Sestra Professional:
Aaaaaaaagh! Not much on television scarier than that aging makeup. Evil, that is.
Not that there was any way Mulder and Scully were going to perish -- and particularly not in a non-mythology episode! The premise of this one is simple, benefiting from the claustrophobic nature of the ship, and the dialogue rather unsubstantive (although John Savage was having trouble with it, more on this later.) But what distinguishes "Død Kalm" as a classic is Scully's resolve. Her determination proves to be far heavier than any salt compound. She's a hero about four times over, while Mulder's best contribution might be any excess liquid he throws up.
That's understating Fox's case a little, after all, he did get that Philadelphia Experiment thing pinpointed. And he accomplishes that task despite Dana failing to do her part early on -- there's a sarcastic eye roll insinuated here -- by examining the patient initially brought in. All she was able to determine was that a 28-year-old looked 90. Guess code clearance just ain't what it used to be.
The two of you are full of theories: Maybe Trondheim shouldn't have left his boat running, then he wouldn't have to listen to Sculder trying to piece together the circumstances that led to their untimely aging aboard the Argent. Scully breaks a hand off a corroded dead body -- a priceless throwaway moment courtesy of director Rob Bowman -- then supposes that the area's electromagnetic field is oxidizing everything in its path before figuring out the impossibly high concentrations of salt are to blame.
So Fox is getting worse because he's dehydrated from his seasickness -- another nice touch to this episode by the writing team of Howard Gordon and Alex Ganza. "I think I just lapped George Burns," Mulder quips. Even in the darkest hour, even in the oldest of ages, his humor will not be salted away.
It's not Evian, but...: I think an unheralded part of this episode starts with Scully's search for uncontaminated liquid. The snow globe and sardine juice certainly make for a yummy cocktail, and Scully and Mulder hit all the expected notes trying to convince each other to drink it. But the best moment of all -- and this actually happens off camera instead of in our faces in slow motion and heightened music like in all the "best" action movies -- is the destruction of the jar. What a perfect little moment. Bravo to Bowman again.
Time for more great meta from the Season 2 gag reel as Gillian Anderson plays off the line "But there's one thing I'm certain of, as certain as I am of this life," forsaking the scripted "We have nothing to fear when it's over" with the improvisational "Howard Gordon is a dead man." If you're wondering why Gordon was singled out for such recognition, he wrote the story for this alone before working with partner Ganza on the teleplay. In the official X-Files Guide, Gordon admitted writing a script that forced the already exhausted leads to come in three to four hours early for makeup was "about the worst thing I could have done to them."
How good are you? Speaking of that famed blooper video, there are tons of Trondheim gaffes on it. Guess the heftier dialogue bits from Gordon and Ganza got stuck in Savage's mouth. Maybe the cold temperatures or claustrophobic nature of the set affected him adversely.
Guest star of the week: Savage is too hammy and stilted for my taste, so I'll give the nod to David Cubitt (Captain Barclay), best known as Detective Lee Scanlon on Medium. He's miles away from that role in this portrayal, not even counting the layers and layers of makeup required to turn a 35-year-old ship captain into a Social Security recipient not long for this world.
Coming up: The X-Files reaches another milestone with the first script by a writer who changes the face of the series -- Darin Morgan. He'll only be credited on four episodes over the original run, but the show will never be the same.
Sestra Amateur:
Two weeks of Mulder back story is all you get. We’ve returned to bottle-episode mode. I’m starting to think these stand-alone eps are for primarily for Mulder’s sanity, because he gets to be cheeky again. Or maybe it was so David Duchovny could show the Emmy voters he had range. At least this one includes The Last Starfighter himself, Lance Guest, who is starting to look like a cross between Dylan Walsh in Congo and Weird Al Yankovic. Of course that comparison to Congo is not accidental.
Two custodians in Idaho are hard at work when they feel vibrations. I don’t think Idaho is known for earthquakes. The front windows shatter and some cars – cheap cars, luckily – are destroyed by an unseen force. Then “it” attacks the only construction crew working the night shift and kills one of the workers. The next morning, a trucker drives through fog and almost has a head-on collision with an elephant. I’ll bet that driver thought he had seen everything, but it was probably the first time he encountered an elephant who thinks she’s traveling on English roadways.
The next morning the elephant, Ganesha, is found dying in the roadway from exhaustion, not impact. Sculder are on the case but come up empty-handed with witness statements and evidence. They learn Ganesha’s cage was locked. So how did she escape? Ed Meecham, who works at the zoo, points Sculder in the direction of his boss, Willa Ambrose. Willa has her own problems; Ed doesn’t like having a female boss, the zoo is in danger of being closed and she’s being sued for the release of a gorilla named Sophie.
Willa blames Ganesha’s escape on a radical animal rights group called the Wild Again Organization. Kyle Lang – our Last Starfighter – believes all animals should be free but denies involvement with the Ganesha situation. Kyle shows Sculder videotape proof of how Meecham poorly treats animals at the zoo. Kyle also takes issue with Willa keeping Sophie in captivity, even though Willa raised Sophie. Kyle’s silent partner – literally silent, he never says a word – has nothing to contribute except blank stares and Sculder don’t ask him anything. Later, Scully uses science, of course, to explain how Ganesha caused the damage and construction worker’s death even though no one physically saw her do it.
Mulder requests assistance from The Lone Gunmen. Via video chat, Frohike and Byers -- Langly is said to be averse to having his image bounced via satellite -- have conspiracy theories about this particular zoo. Turns out, it just happens to be located near a UFO hot spot. They also point out no animal there ever had a successful pregnancy. Meanwhile, silent WAO guy is at the zoo with his video camera. While recording the animals in their cages there’s a blast of bright light – and just like that the tiger he was filming is outside of its cage attacking him. Too bad it’s invisible or he might have seen it coming.
The next morning, Scully and the police confront Kyle and he actually sides with the tiger over his own partner. Wow, those radical types are cold. Sculder return to the zoo because Fox wants to interview the witness -- Sophie -- who communicates through American sign language. See what I meant earlier about the Congo references? Sophie tells Willa she is scared of the light. Willa also mentions that Sophie wanted a baby. Based on the Lone Gunmen’s theory, Sophie’s at the wrong zoo for that.
Dana and Willa perform a necropsy on Ganesha and learn she was pregnant. The missing tiger turns up in downtown Boise. Sculder, Ed and Willa go there to secure it. The job is easier now that it’s no longer invisible. Meecham shoots and kills the tiger when it attacks Willa. Based on the recent events, the board closes the zoo and arranges for the animals to be moved. Sculder learn the tiger was female and also pregnant, so Mulder, of course, suggests alien abduction. Willa scoffs so Fox tells her to ask Sophie if she’s pregnant.
Willa then gets served with a court order to give up custody of Sophie. She goes to Kyle, of all places, to ask for his help but he declines. He wants Sophie to return to Africa and live free. Dana learns Kyle and Willa were involved in the past. They were part of the same animal rights organization. Later that night, Kyle goes to the zoo to talk to Willa. He finds Sophie’s empty cage. He then gets zapped by a cattle prod and crushed. The Last Starfighter ... is dead! Nothing can stop them now. Oh wait, this is The X-Files. Sculder got this.
The agents confront Willa, but she denies asking Kyle for help. She’s now pretty keen on the alien abduction theory. Since we’re down to two suspects, Mulder follows Ed and Scully stays on Willa, who admits Ed took Sophie to a safe location and Kyle’s presence at the zoo surprised him. Sophie is in a frenzy, so Fox and Ed attempt to calm her with a tranquilizer gun. Ed tricks Mulder and locks him in with a very pissed-off Sophie, who clocks Fox upside the head. Then the gorilla backs away and says something in sign language. The bright light comes and Sophie disappears from the room.
Scully finds Mulder and tells him Ed has been arrested. Fox shows Sophie’s final sign message to Willa, who says it means “man save man.” They learn Sophie was hit by a car and killed. Ed and Willa get arrested for Kyle’s death. None of the pregnant animals live happily ever after. This is a pretty downer episode with morals that smack you in the head about as subtly as Sophie hit Mulder. But there’s one last moral to the story, whether it was intentional or not -- pregnancy hormones result in death and destruction. Discuss.
Sestra Professional:
Should there be an award for best teaser in an episode that doesn't ultimately fulfill that promise? If so, I nominate "Fearful Symmetry." The elephant, first invisible, causing mass destruction on the city street and then coming into the trucker's view makes your heart thump, or maybe that was just the reverberations from Ganesha's charging footsteps.
Having said that, there's a reason why writer Steve De Jarnatt (who wrote the cult favorite Miracle Mile) and director James Whitmore Jr. (a veteran actor who went on to helm various NCISes) didn't come back for subsequent episodes. Not only is the story heavy-handed, but Mulder's go-to alien hypothesis aside, it doesn't fit quite fit the mold. And most of the heavy lifting story progression is handled by the two visible Lone Gunmen (maybe Langly's just invisible!)
This ep kind of reminds me of the misguided Jaws 3 sequel, in which environmental concerns factor heavily into the plot. We have three different viewpoints here -- the zoo keeper charged with keeping the animals in line, the woman who wants to work with what she's given and the man who seeks to free them all at any cost, including human. Of course, they're all harboring different secrets and it's very X-Files to have aliens factor into the equation.
It's not really black-hole season: Practically before the credits finish rolling, Mulder zips through other possibilities for the destruction caused by Ganesha before settling in on his "novel theory." Sonic boom? Another vehicle? Tornado? Black hole or cosmic anomaly? Invisible elephant? David Copperfield? Elephant rebellion, in which the animals turn on their keepers and destroy their cages? Nah, gotta be aliens.
It's not such a long shot to think the rebellion thing might have had some merit. As Kyle explains to us, an elephant really needs about 20 square miles in order to really stretch out, but Ganesha was living in a 50x50-foot cage. "It's like you or I living in a pickle barrel," he says. The elephants have more reason to rebel than the Starfighters.
Nevertheless, we see Scully about as pissed as she's been at any point this season, and it's because Kyle seems to care more about the animals than the death of his comrade? Maybe it's just me, I found that a strange thing for her to get all worked up over in the wake of everything she's seen and gone through.
It's all happening at the zoo: It's much more fun to watch Dana deal with getting up close and personal with Ganesha's insides, particularly her uterine tissue. And the truth is in here -- the elephant autopsy is one of Gillian Anderson's favorites over the history of the show.
Ultimately, we don't get proof of a lot, although I guess you can say Sculder solved the crime of who cattle-prodded the Last Starfighter. I don't think it's that far of a leap to declare that "Fearful Symmetry" is one of the faithful's least favorite episodes of the whole run. But famed writer William Gibson was a huge fan of this one, the X-Files fan will go on to pen a couple episodes later on. (That's one more than De Jarnatt.) Oh, and if you were wondering about this show's title, it's from a line in the William Blake poem "The Tyger."
Guest star of the week: Apologies to Jayne Atkinson, who does about as fine a job with Willa as it's possible to have done. But it's The Last Starfighter for me. I had the opposite reaction than Scully when Lang cared more about the tiger than the fallen silent guy. Lance Guest did a fine job in that scene, his hair carried the day the rest of the time.
Not that there was any way Mulder and Scully were going to perish -- and particularly not in a non-mythology episode! The premise of this one is simple, benefiting from the claustrophobic nature of the ship, and the dialogue rather unsubstantive (although John Savage was having trouble with it, more on this later.) But what distinguishes "Død Kalm" as a classic is Scully's resolve. Her determination proves to be far heavier than any salt compound. She's a hero about four times over, while Mulder's best contribution might be any excess liquid he throws up.
