X-Files S6E15: Playing in the Petrie dish

Sestra Amateur: 

Anyone who has ever owned a house with a Homeowners Association will be able to relate to this episode. There are some condo commandos who take those HOA rules and regulations and enforce them in an overzealous manner that often feels like paper terrorism. Unfortunately for the residents of The Falls at Arcadia, they’re being terrorized in a different way. 

Dave Kline and wife Nancy live in a beautiful house inside The Falls. Their neighbors are smiley and helpful, maybe a little too helpful. Dave doesn’t like his overly strict HOA and retaliates by putting up a tacky lawn ornament he anonymously received in the mail. This results in some type of mud beast not only attacking Dave but leaving huge, messy footprints all over his clean, white carpet. Nancy’s going to need to call Stanley Steemer for this job. 

Seven months later, Sculder arrive undercover as Rob and Laura Petrie (there’s a generation of viewers who won’t get that in-joke) to investigate the disappearance of the Klines. (Lucky Nancy didn’t have to do the cleanup after all.) Preppy Rob and matronly Laura receive unpacking assistance from their entire neighborhood because, apparently, they’re in danger of violating the unpacking curfew.

The Petries' “possessions” are mostly crime-scene processing equipment that reveals some blood missed by the cleanup crew. Fox is the doubter here, he doesn’t think their disappearance is an X-file. Neighbor Big Mike Raskin, played by the always recognizable Abraham Benrubi, who I know best as Kubiac from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, appears helpful but bolts when Dana asks him about the Klines. The neighbors talk about “The Petries” at dinnertime. Big Mike wants to provide full disclosure and gets approval to do so from HOA president Gene Gogolak. But that's just a ruse and Gene lets resident Win Schroeder know that Big Mike -- the “weak link” -- will be taken care of. (By the way, it took about 10 minutes of me repeating the name Gogolak before I remembered where I heard it before: It’s the last name of Kevin Pollack’s characters in The Whole Nine Yards and The Whole Ten Yards. And now I want to go watch The Whole Nine Yards.) The mud creature takes out Big Mike in a bloody, sure-to-be-an-HOA-violation mess on his front stoop.

The next morning Wil is hosing down Big Mike’s porch when “Honeybunch” and “Poopiehead” start asking questions. Wil invites them over for dinner that night. Sculder learn from Gene that Rob’s basketball hoop is a no-no in the community. That CC&R rule book is pretty detailed. After dinner, Scully and Wil’s wife, Cami, walk the Schroeder’s teeny tiny dog, who decides to go looking for Pennywise in the storm gutter. This allows Dana to find Big Mike’s caduceus necklace and wipe blood off the pocket-sized pup’s face. Luckily, the sewer creature lets them walk away. 

After dinner, Scully and Mulder discuss the neighborhood rules and Fox's effortless ability to annoy Dana with his bathroom habits. The next morning Mulder tests his theory by planting a plastic flamingo on the front lawn. It’s not there for long. Next, he sabotages his mailbox and waits. And waits. Three hours later, instead of peeing in his juice carton, Fox takes a bathroom break and returns to a straightened and cleaned mailbox. (I wonder what the monthly dues are for this level of HOA efficiency.) There’s also a threatening note in the mailbox that Mulder doesn’t even consider processing for evidence. When Fox is playing basketball in his driveway later that night, the Schroeders panic and confront him. The creature attacks Cami but doesn’t kill her. Someone – not Mulder – drags his basketball net inside the garage. That was nice of him … her … it.

Scully returns to Arcadia and almost clocks Mulder with a fireplace poker. This would have been a good time for Fox to joke about Dana’s previous attempt to kill him in "How the Ghosts Stole Christmas" (Season 6, Episode 6). Wil meets with Gene, who calls Rob a rabble-rouser. Scully shows Mulder the evidence she had processed. Turns out, it wasn’t blood found inside the home, it was ketchup and brake fluid (because brake fluid tastes good on everything). She also didn’t wipe blood off the dog’s snout either, it was a combination of other garbage. 

Fox decides to install a reflecting pool in the front yard, but he’s actually excavating to see if they can find the Klines’ bodies. Gene isn’t happy about it, but lets the Petries continue. Mulder unearths the Klines’ tacky lawn ornament which Fox determines was sent by Gogolak. (Apparently, it’s called a whirligig. The more you know.) Of course Sculder don’t see the muddy hand reaching out of the pit. It’s coming for Dana, but Big Mike shows up to save her from ... The Ubermenscher! 

Now let’s pause for a moment and learn a little about The Ubermenscher. My favorite translation of the German word Ubermensch has always been Superman, because I’m a DC girl. Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche believed Ubermensch is the goal we set for ourselves to be better people. That would explain some of those insane HOA rules. And now, back to our regularly scheduled Ubermenscher attack.

Big Mike says the creature wants Laura because Rob broke too many rules. After finding Scully's gun, Big Mike -- What was he doing in her underwear drawer? Should we really be rooting for Big Mike?! -- shoots at the Ubermenscher. Meanwhile, Mulder confronts Gogolak and reveals how Gene summoned the creature with a tulpa (a mystical totem). Fox bring Gene to the Petries’ house, where the creature went inside and made quite a mess. Luckily, Dana was still safe inside the closet. Win and Cami do nothing while Ubermenscher kills sitting duck Gene. The creature dissolves back into the ground before Scully can see it. 

The next morning neighbors blame Gene for the disappearances. Now they’ll have to elect a new HOA president. They can even use Arcadia’s song "Election Day." (The generation that didn’t get the Petrie reference might get this one.) Of course, the real question is: Why would residents choose to live like this? I’ve seen some bad, strict, corrupt HOAs in my life, but only these characters would have the patience to put up with it. And that is more unbelievable than the existence of the Ubermenscher.

Sestra Professional: 

My regard for "Arcadia" has dropped off like a tiny dog into a sewer drain since the original series run. At the time, friends and I pored over the dialogue and the nuances of Dana and Fox's foray into domesticity for months afterward. But now it feels very bland to me, with a premise that neither makes the most of its comedic and/or intimate opportunities for Mulder and Scully nor conjures up a compelling villain. The far-better "Our Town" (S2E24) did this kind of thing much better in terms of creepiness, back story and even Sculder's rapport. Arguments could be made that this episode is the epitome of the unflattering X-Files Lite designation.

Is this place us or what? This seems more like the kind of gig Mulder and Scully would have been saddled with when they were on the FBI's sh*t list and under the direction of Assistant Director Kersh. But at least we get to see Fox in a pink polo shirt and Dana react to the dropping of a box labeled "china." Yawn. By the way, that kind of expensive FBI equipment probably should have been packaged better than loose in a big cardboard box. Skinner recommended this assignment for them? He knows them better than they know themselves. 

So, Rob and Laura Petrie, hmm. That might have been a bit of a stretch for a big portion of the original-run audience to recognize, but would definitely require Googling to realize it's a reference from The Dick Van Dyke Show today. And another wave will have to YouTube Sestra Am's reference to Duran Duran side project Arcadia's big hit "Election Day." In the meantime, I'll finish chuckling from Mulder quipping, "Woman, git back in here and make me a sandwich." That might be the high point in terms of humor this one has to offer.

But every community has its dark underbelly, don't ya think? Scientist Scully apparently can't tell blood from ketchup and brake fluid. Well, I can't really blame her because the attack residue we see looks more like blood than Heinz and Castrol. But Dana should try a little harder than using "Poopiehead" as a pet name, because if that doesn't raise eyebrows with the new neighbors, really, what will? Oh, Fox saying she's into UFOs and crystals might do it instead. 

Sestra Am is right, though, who in their right mind -- or even their wrong mind -- would put up with this for any extended amount of time, let alone consider such home life to be the American dream? It's one thing to help people move in. It's another to be trying to please some lethal entity by washing Hunt's and Lucas Oil off porches at all hours. 

The thrill is gone: By all rights, this should be more of a disappointing episode for Shippers. There was more sensuality in watching Morris Fletcher (as Mulder) and Scully sitting on a waterbed looking at an overhead mirror in "Dreamland II" (S6E5) than in the whole of a scenario that puts them together behind closed doors. All we get is Fox reacting to Dana entering the room with a face mask and the least romantic suggestion that they should share a bed ever. There was more sexual tension on Oz. Probably should have called Walter for some tips.

The fun -- or the possible fun Sculder could have had, and us in turn -- disappears altogether when the focus goes to the monster. That's even more ho-hum. Now Scully's perusing reports and Mulder's pulling back rows of topsoil. They also weren't able to, at first glance, determine the substance that looks like blood actually was Mercurochrome, coffee grounds, eggshells and motor oil. So by definition, yes, this episode is trash.

But I will give episode scripter Daniel Arkin credit for the reappearance of Big Mike. Usually when a guest actor vanishes in the early going, he/she/it is gone for good. Didn't last very long, but it's the thought that counts. By the way, Arkin went on to write and produce for the likes of Alias, Kyle XY and Star Wars: The Clone Wars, but other than the story for the sharp "Redrum" (S8E6), this show was his only credited contribution to The X-Files.

And how about the oversimplified conclusion to the proceedings? The Homeowners Association president dies, the monster disintegrates. Well, lucky for Rob, cause he was about to be torn asunder from his beloved (although he still doesn't know it yet) Laura. All of this would have meant more if we got some inkling of the fact that two people we've watched battle external and internal demons for the better part of six seasons had a realization or a moment that could be built on ... just anything of substance. 

So even as someone who leans more toward being a no-romo, I don't look back at this one as fondly as I once did. But it's still preferred to the two dogs we have coming up next. (Only one is literally a dog, but they both fit that category.)

Guest star of the week: There's something to be said for the sense Gene Gogolak made in wondering how Mulder was going to present his evidence about a tulpa committing the murders in a courtroom. Peter White did a fine job with that scene. We don't side with the guy, but we do understand his overly simplified viewpoint.