X-Files S6E16: Barking up the wrong tree

Sestra Amateur: 

After a month-long break from the rewatch, let’s see how long it takes me to get my snark on. On a freighter in the Pacific Ocean, a couple of Cantonese men are investigating a box that reminds me of "The Crate" segment from the original Creepshow movie. The idiots open the box (well, look at that, snark acquired) and later are found mauled to death inside by the animal’s owner and the police. 

The owner, a cryptozoologist named Dr. Ian Detweiler, is played by Andrew Robinson, who I know best from Clive Barker’s Hellraiser, where he played a nice guy as well as a bad guy masquerading as a nice guy. Detweiler said he was notified of his animal’s arrival but considering how unlikely that is, you can already see how this episode is going to play out.

Mulder somehow ends up with the case because the mauling was caused by “a dog.” And because the dead Merchant Marines were locked inside the crate. Later, a Customs agent gets attacked by a red-eyed wolf creature, aka “a dog.” Sculder travel to San Diego to meet with Fish and Wildlife officer Jeffrey Cahn. 

Detweiler is on the ship with Sculder and Cahn when they learn about the Customs agent’s attack. Mulder thinks their suspect dog is intentionally covering its tracks. Scully seems a wee bit skeptical. (Remember, just because she owned a dog doesn’t mean she’s a dog person.) The agents meet Fox’s contact Karin Berquist, who clearly is a dog person. Dana asks about the Wanshang dhole, an Asian wild dog and endangered species. Karin briefly gives background info regarding canine intelligence then bails. Meanwhile, a man transforms into a dhole (not an ahole ... a dhole) and kills again, this time taking out one of Cahn’s friends. Berquist claims it’s alpha-male behavior but Mulder disagrees. Detweiler explains how he captured the dog the first time. He confronts Cahn, who wants to kill it. The future is looking grim for Jeffrey.

Karin works with Sculder to learn more about the dhole, but Scully acts like she’s competition. Dana claims Berquist has the hots for Fox, which is why she’s “helping” them. The dhole shows up at Riley’s Animal Clinic shortly after Detweiler. Officer Cahn and his backup arrive, shoot first and ask questions later. Of course they kill the wrong dog, a big beautiful Saint Bernard. The agents arrive but can't save the recently mauled Dr. Riley. The shapeshifting creature, disguised as the Saint Bernard, hides in plain sight. Meanwhile, Dr. Scully puts two and two together. Not related to the actual case, of course. After all, we’re not in the final act yet. She realizes Karin suffers from lupus.

Mulder snoops through the animal clinic’s drawers and learns Dr. Detweiler has access to animal tranquilizers. He warns Cahn, who gets attacked by the dhole. But for once, the victim lives. Fox finds Ian in Jeffrey's hospital room and confronts him about being the dhole. Karin refuses to protect Ian any longer. Back at her house, she tells Fox he’ll have to put Detweiler down. Berquist tells Mulder that Ian will finish his kill and take out Cahn. So why didn’t she tell him that when they were all still at the hospital?! 

Fox rushes back to the hospital and updates Dana, who still believes Karin is manipulating him. Scully acquiesces and waits with her partner. At 2 a.m., it’s Mulder’s turn to concede; he realizes Berquist lied to him about where the dhole is going. Karin arranges for the wild dog to enter her home and attack her. Detweiler the dhole kills Berquist but gets impaled and dies at the scene. Dana should get bonus points for not saying, “I told you so.” On the upside, Mulder finally has another “I Want to Believe” poster. Weirdest suicide note ever.

Sestra Professional: 

I could have told Sestra Am it wasn't going to take long for her to get her snark on with this one. Because "Alpha" is ... a dog. And not the awesome kind of canine who lives for its owner. The derogatory one. How did that particular phraseology come to pass anyway, since dogs are so beloved in our culture?

While not becoming invested in our requisite rewatch episode of the day, I took a couple minutes to investigate this heinous vocabulary crime. In ancient Greece, the word was used to refer someone whose behavior was reprehensible. Well, I hereby declare the ancient Greeks' behavior reprehensible. And I will insert "ancient Greeks" for "dog" for those particular insults from here on out.

Now back to our regularly scheduled episode and it's strikingly similar to the universally disliked "Teso dos Bichos" (Season 3, Episode 18) -- there's a comparison no one would ever long to hear. They can't all be gems, so we were definitely due for a couple ancient Greeks (aka the ones you never watch again unless you're heavily sedated or doing the full-scale rewatch). 

Yo quiero Taco Bell: So what we're left with is this Jeffrey Bell script that seems to exist largely to give Fox some puns and clunkily tap into the Sculder personal dynamic -- "Dog gone. ... Dog gone. ... Doggone," Mulder says. "Yeah, I got it," Scully replies. Dana's eye rolling in this episode mirrors my own. Fox also riffs on a then-popular Taco Bell commercial as well as tossing followup quips -- "Talk about biting the hand that feeds you" and "You get a biscuit, Scully." Even Dana gets thrown a bone: "He doesn't listen and he chews on the furniture."

As in most episodes, even the ancient Greeks, there's a kernel of a great idea in there somewhere. I get it, Detweiler's on the hunt for an animal said to be extinct for 150 years. It catches him instead of him catching it and so forth. The show just doesn't have a great record of bringing these animal ideas to life -- Lots more where "Teso dos Bichos" came from ... "Shapes" (S1E19) or "Fearful Symmetry" (S2E18), anyone? No? I didn't think so. Hmmm, have you noticed that these seem to come at around the same point each season? Or I'm just very easily distracted today.

She's not a real people person: We know there's no way Karin pries Fox away from his partner. I don't think the doctor herself expected that. Mulder does want to believe and he always does so very quickly. That's a character trait I buy, particularly as it refers to one of his apparent favorite pastimes -- squatchin' (we'll get to that during the revival) -- and it's nice to see that not pay off. Everyone isn't always fighting the good fight, some have ulterior motives and Fox occasionally should be knocked down a peg or two to remind him of that and keep him honest.

The guest characters don't add a lot to the canvas. As Detwiler, Robinson (not nearly as strong as he was in Dirty Harry) contributes an intense stare that's just frightening. As in scary like one of those people talking to themselves who you try to avoid on the street. I'd bark at him too if he skulked around like that all the time. Melinda Culea -- ostensibly directed to be completely oft-putting in her first scene -- can't recover from that, even with a lupus diagnosis. So what we're left with is a sad 40-minute horror movie in which many people, most of whom don't seem to actually deserve it, get mauled by a vengeful person in a supernatural dog suit.

Obey your meta master: According to the official season episode guide, Bell had an index card hanging in his office all season -- "Scary Dogs in the City" -- after seeing a pack of dogs by a freeway in Los Angeles and wondering how they survived. ... Executive producer Frank Spotnitz contributed the Fox-Karin online relationship, the guide said. ... A spot of nepotism got the show out of casting trouble when veteran actress Culea was cast. Her husband, Peter Markle, directed "Alpha." ... Auditioning the dozens of trainers for the dogs, wolves and wolf hybrids proved to be quite the challenge, executive producer Michael Watkins admitted in the episode guide. Professional breeder Clint Rowe (familiar to both show runner Chris Carter and Spotnitz) was hired along with his three wolf-Malamute hybrids Flame, Eli and Ki-che.

Guest star of the week: If I'm pressed to fetch one, I'd have to give Culea the biscuit. A veteran of such '80s fare as The A-Team, St. Elsewhere and Knots Landing, she does get to run the gamut in front of her hubby's lens within a complete story arc, awkward though it may be.