Every once in a while the timing works out and the episode we’re reviewing mirrors real life. This week’s show is about a hurricane threatening the coast of Florida. Of course, this is The X-Files’ version of the Sunshine State, so you’ll be lucky to see a blue sky and an aquamarine ocean. And it’s also one of those February hurricanes for which the Southeast is so famous. Funny how those two factoids make the episode less believable than the actual monster-of-the-week.The production crew saved some money by placing the storyline on the Gulf of Mexico side of Florida in a teeny, tiny town in Collier County named Goodland. (Population 267 in 2010 according to city-data.com. Another not-so-fun fact: The residential value in 2016 was $456,816 but 18.8 percent of the population lived in poverty.) A mother and son board up their doors as Hurricane Leroy is approaching. For some reason, even though it’s pouring, Mom insists they need water. She’s aiming for a storm drain that’s bubbling over. Unfortunately, a gelatinous tentacle grabs them both. Looks more like Octopus Mala.
Darrin McGavin is back as Arthur Dales (He was last seen in "Travelers" (Season 5 Episode 15). He’s living in a Goodland trailer park (that government pension clearly keeping him in the poverty line group). Dales leaves Mulder a taunting office message to investigate this X-file before Leroy makes landfall. Sculder arrive and learn what happened at the Shipley’s residence. First, husband Jack was grabbed in the bathroom. Then, shortly after Sara called Arthur, she disappeared. Scully, ever the skeptic, thinks Dales' obvious drinking problem is a factor. He’s annoyed that Mulder brought a doubter with him.
The agents go to the Shipley’s home, where Fox finds slime on the drainpipe. He liberates Reggie the family cat from inside the washing machine. Turns out the door Sara was boarding up didn’t lead outside, it led to the bathroom.
Sculder’s “burglary” is interrupted by Deputy Greer, played by Joel McKinnon Miller who plays Scully on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. (And now you know the origin of his 99 character name.) Fox easily disarms him and Dana shows their credentials. Greer sheepishly agrees to help. Mulder tells Scully the Shipleys left the water running when they boarded up the bathroom door. (Maybe that’s how Guillermo del Toro came up with his bathroom sex scene idea between the human female and the amphibious male in The Shape of Water.) I wonder how much their water bill was next month. You know the water department had to be livid to find out no one was alive to pay it. The deputy sees flooding in the drain so he reaches right in there … and pulls out one of the Shipley’s shirts. Sculder waited just a little too long to leave Goodland and now they’re stuck in town trying to find shelter. Greer has moved on to a welfare check in a condo complex. (He may as well have said “I’ll be right back” to the dispatcher.) For some reason, Reggie the cat has hitched a ride. The deputy finds a gelatinous residue sitting on the toilet and gets just a little too close during his inspection. A tentacle reaches out and starts choking him.
Our heroes end up at the same condo complex. ("Car 54, where are you?" Oh, there you are.) They find Greer struggling to breathe, so Dana performs an emergency tracheotomy and calls for help on the deputy's radio. Fox interrupts a looter and finds a very pregnant, very angry woman and her wussy baby daddy. Mulder also tries but fails to rescue a dangerously paranoid resident. I feel like we have the makings of the world’s lamest superhero team here. Scully tries to help Greer by pulling the opaque worms out of his neck. The Looter steals Dead Resident’s slimed-up watch. Paranoid Man starts shooting at the ceiling while The Looter takes the deputy's wedding ring. Preggo Woman desperately needs the bathroom so Dana finds her a bucket. (Talk about above and beyond the call of duty.) While Fox comes up with his own origin story for the creature, Preggo Woman claims it’s in the tub. Greer is gone but his clothes (and a box of Epsom salt) are all that’s left.
They plan to leave but The Looter stole the deputy's car and Mulder gets attacked by a tentacle. Paranoid Man “saves” Scully by locking her inside the apartment with them. The Wussy doubts her ability as a medical doctor, but Preggo Woman goes into labor so Dr. Dana emerges to save the day while Fox struggles to breathe outside. Too bad he can’t give himself a tracheotomy. Luckily, Reggie is there to help him(?) Preggo Woman squeezes out the baby while Paranoid Man gets attacked by a tentacle. Scully orders The Wussy to shoot out the apartment’s sprinklers. (Freshwater vs. seawater is the only way to keep the creature at bay.)The next morning, Sculder are back at Dales’ trailer with their perfectly clean, shiny, not-a-mark-on-it rental car. Of course, the new baby was named after the storm. And Arthur has a new appreciation for Dana now. I guess The Looter got away. I wonder if he tried to tell anyone what happened. Maybe some even believed him. It’s possible, because all the nuts roll down to Florida.
Sestra Professional:
I don't think anyone ever changed someone's mind when it comes to liking or disliking an episode, but I'll still be turning my appreciation of "Agua Mala" on full blast. A show doesn't have to be perfect in every single way to be enjoyed. So for all its deficiencies, I'd watch this one over the lame mythology that fizzled out in our previous two episodes -- "Two Fathers" and "One Son" -- every time.
The characters are stereotyped within an inch of their lines and the likelihood of a woman giving birth at the most inconvenient moment is ludicrous. But to start with, we get to see Arthur Dales again. He's a crusty old coot, ain't he? Just having The Night Stalker -- as previously mentioned that show was the biggest inspiration for this series -- in the fold again is its own reward.So the mom in the teaser had it figured out. She knew they needed fresh H20 from the washing machine in order to negate the effects to the seawater menace. Good thing she and the husband were marine biologists. Or maybe that darn cat figured it out. He must be down to six lives by now. Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie!
The radio report warning of a hurricane making land from Naples to Fort Myers unintentionally cracks me up. Forty miles? That would make Leroy a tiny storm to be sure, but even such pinpoint accuracy should have fostered a bigger cone since the hurricane wouldn't exactly stop after making land there.
The bottom of the ocean is as deep and dark as the imagination: The scene between the Night Stalker, son of Kolchak (yes, another man now can factor into the who-sired-Fox mix) and Dr. Dubious makes me giggle for more planned reasons. Still, looking at what Dales has become can make us fear for Mulder's future. If dealing with conspiracy could make someone as sharp as Arthur turn to the bottle, what hope does our Fox have for the future?The exchange with Deputy Greer is just as entertaining. Our heroes have survived so much that we too are not overly concerned when the deputy pulls his gun on them and threatens arrest. That, in turn, gives us a nice Sculder scene, and it feels like taking a shower after a particularly grimy day in the wake of the nonsense in the midseason two-parter to witness a lively exchange between our leads. Mulder's understandably enamored of Dales: "He's seen things that I've only read about." But Scully crests in with a perfect retort: "Because sea monsters can only be read about."
I don't need my mettle tested: The biggest bummer was having Greer rinsed out ... permanently. "Forrest Gump" was entertaining. His attack gives Fox and Dana the chance to do what they do best, though. Scully gets to use the deputy's Leatherman tool while Mulder discerns the issue and helps the others on the premises. Arthur tuning in to listen to his proteges is akin to a rainbow after a storm.David Amann's second script for the series after "Terms of Endearment" (S6E7) provided quite the impression of all the nuts that roll down to Florida. The overly pregnant woman who hasn't married her baby daddy and doesn't resist any impulse to call him out on everything from choice of residence to lack of transportation. The militant shut-in who won't listen to reason and the unseen manager who doesn't respond to tenants' needs. Not to mention a looter who chose the worst possible place to go about his business -- uh, not sure how he was planning to get away with the television without a vehicle in the driving rain.
I think the deputy went out with the bathwater: The characters may be one-note, but I find the overall premise intriguing. One of nature's savage storms dredges up something that gets pulled into the plumbing and old Leroy prevents our heroes from being able to get away from the danger. When the creature attacks Mulder, he's in danger of suffering the same fate as Greer. Fox seems to put the pieces together, with the cat's assistance, but apparently Dana gets to be champion this time around. Dales is so impressed that he claims he might not have retired if he had someone as savvy as Scully by his side. So maybe we don't have to worry about Mulder's ultimate fate after all.
Guest star of the week: It should be Darren McGavin, but I can't resist giving it Joel McKinnon Miller. He's Scully too! Or Scully 2? I guess he would be Scully 3 since Vin Scully is the original. His performance as the lamentable deputy would have been the perfect screen test for his ineffectual Brooklyn Nine-Nine detective. He's yet another of the charms that turn the tide and keep me from considering this episode to be truly mala. Lots of agua, though.
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