X-Files S3E18: Please don't squeeze the shaman

Sestra Amateur: 

How many of you knew "Teso dos Bichos" translates in English to "burial mound of small animals?" I’ll bet at least one person thought it meant “tease two bitches.” 

This episode opens on an excavation site in Vancouver’s version of Ecuador. Diggers find the skull of a female shaman known as an Amaru. It’s amusing how it’s a clear day when Dr. Bilac retrieves lead archaeologist Dr. Roosevelt, but when they come outside, it’s a major snowstorm. Is that the Amaru’s influence or just bad editing? Dr. Roosevelt tries to justify removing the Amaru from the site but the locals believe that to be sacrilegious. Later that night, the tribe and Dr. Bilac perform a ceremony and drink a thick, phlegmy liquid from a bowl. Things seem to end painfully for Dr. Roosevelt.

Three weeks later at the Hall of Indigenous Peoples in Boston’s Museum of Natural History – which should be a real exhibit but isn’t – a security guard finds blood stains in the same room as the Amaru. So who sent it to the United States after Dr. Roosevelt was taken out of the equation? Probably Dr. Horning, another scientist working on the excavation of the highland burial grounds of the Secona Indians. Dr. Horning has disappeared like Dr. Roosevelt, who is considered missing but not dead.

Sculder arrive at the museum and Fox mentions the Amaru is thought to be protected by a jaguar spirit. PhD candidate Mona Wustner is recruited to assist the agents. She sends them to Dr. Bilac, who no longer works for the museum. He claims Horning and Roosevelt are dead and won’t be seen again. Scully considers Bilac their suspect, but Mulder keeps his usual open mind. Dr. Lewton, the one who “fired” Dr. Bilac, gives a friendly warning to Mona about her alliance with Bilac. He tries to leave in his car – which has a jaguar hood ornament – but gets attacked by an unseen creature and loudly dragged away. 

At the new crime scene, Scully pulls a dead rat from under the hood of Dr. Lewton’s car and gives it to a police officer. Wouldn’t an agency the size of the Boston Police Department have crime scene investigators come to their major incidents to document and preserve evidence? Dana doesn't get any useful information from questioning Mona. While our leads discuss the case in a nearby wooded area, Fox feels drops of rain. Actually, it’s blood dripping from Lewton’s intestine, which is entangled in the branches above them. Even though Sculder realize that, they continue to stand under it. They’ll probably bill the FBI for the dry cleaning charges.

Mona goes to Bilac’s house and he looks like hell. She realizes he’s drinking the thick, phlegmy “yaje” -- which he calls “vine of the soul” -- and freaks out. The doctor politely asks her to leave. Mona tells Dana about Bilac’s behavior, then returns to the museum. All of the toilet seats in the women’s bathroom are rattling because of a major rat infestation. Hopefully she can use the men’s room if she really has to go. Fox arrives at the museum but can’t find Mona. Scully goes back to the doctor’s house and reads his journal. She’s convinced Bilac is tripping on a hallucinogen and trying to invoke the jaguar curse. 

At the museum, Mulder finds the doc, who claims Mona is dead. He doesn’t concede anything during Scully’s interrogation. Fox checks the bathroom and sees dead rats in the toilets. Mona’s dog, Sugar, is found dead from rat poisoning. Mulder suspects the jaguar chased all the rats into the toilets. 

Bilac disappears through a heating vent and Fox doesn’t think he went willingly. Sculder go into the tunnels and end up directly under the museum. They find dead Dr. Lewton and get attacked by feral cats. While trying to get away from the cats, they find dead Dr. Bilac. Sculder manage to get to safety. The search team recovers dead Mona’s body, but all the feral cats are gone. The deaths are officially listed as animal attacks, the urn of Amaru is reburied in Ecuador, and no part of this episode is ever mentioned again. 

Sestra Professional:

It's pretty rough to go from one of the best examples of an X-Files stand-alone episode to one of the worst, but those are the breaks. This one would probably be near the bottom of the list for most X-Philes. It did make for an amusing outtake, for what that's worth. I'll save it for later.

The opening teaser is just gorgeous. It's easy to overlook that fact because I would rate this particular show an F-  overall, but I'll give director Kim Manners some props and tick it up to an F. The X-Files doesn't usually look like a weekly television series. This is movie quality. A really, really bad movie that I don't want to rewatch, but movie quality nonetheless.

The cat ate a rat ... and the dog ate the cat: "Teso dos Bichos" has an intriguing enough premise. An archaeological team messes with the wrong burial site and unleashes some kind of vengeful spirit. Basically, don't mess with a woman shaman. But that gets buried under a lot of boring conversation -- this might be the least crisp script in the entire run. I'll let you know when we're done with the rewatch.

There hasn't been a lot of success during the run with this kind of soapbox script. Points haven't been driven across with any degree of subtlety very often. "Shapes" (Season 1, Episode 19) springs most immediately to mind, although The X-Files fared much better the next week with "Darkness Falls" (S1, E20). Season 2's "Red Museum" (E10), "Fresh Bones" (E15) and "Fearful Symmetry" (E18) were other examples of causes that didn't fit too well into the structure of the show. Should we conclude that threats such as Robert Patrick Modell ("Pusher," S3E17) and Tooms ("Squeeze," S1E3 and "Tooms," S1E21) fit the landscape much better? It certainly looks that way. 

The bigger problem is that these episodes serve more like sermons and less like opportunities to delve deeper into the lives of our leads. And that's the real attraction of the show, right? By this time in the original run, the fan base had split into shippers and no-romos, based upon whether viewers wanted Sculder to become a couple. It was never important to me, I didn't watch the show to see them get it on -- which doesn't mean I didn't fully appreciate their more heartfelt moments together. It was the journey that appealed to me most, and the "Teso dos Bichos" sojourn was akin to taking an overnight bus trip. Please, let's just get there already.

Have you been drinking yaje, Mulder? This episode has very little to do with Dana and Fox actually. The big laugh is that the guy Scully autopsied ate sunflower seeds like Mulder. Hardy har har. Well, that and Fox keeps saying "Go with it, Scully" in hopes of getting Dana to open her mind like that substance did for Dr. Bilac. Not that we can have Mulder turning guns on Scully every week, especially when they had to deliver 24 scripts and shows each season.

Chance meta-ings: Another hardy har har. According to the official third-season episode guide, Dr. Lewton was named for Val Lewton, who directed the original Cat People film. ... Writer John Shiban titled the ep after a specific Portugese chant, but the episode starts in Ecuador, where Spanish is spoken. And, of course, in Colombia and Venezuela, "bichos" is slang for a part of the male anatomy. ... Manners awarded the crew with "Teso dos Bichos Survivor" T-shirts after completion. We could use them ourselves.

Follow that rat: And without further ado, the saving grace ... David Duchovny on the Season 3 gag reel, battles an unctuous feline. By the way, Gillian Anderson -- who is severely allergic to cats -- reportedly considers wrestling with a cat toy covered in rabbit fur during this ep to be one of her series low points.

Guest star of the week: Well, those rats did emerge from the toilet in pretty spooky fashion. Those cats did look pretty menacing en masse. And all of the animal sounds were apparently provided by one actor -- Frank Welker. So the veteran voice actor, Ray Stantz on The Real Ghostbusters, among countless others from the '70s to today, wrangles the nod.