There are people who can watch X-Files episodes of serial killers burning people alive ("Fire": Season 1, Episode 12), indulging in ice-cold babe fetishes ("Irresistible": Season 2, Episode 13) and treating their dry skin by sucking the fat out of victims (2Shy: Season 3, Episode 6) without wincing. But some will have trouble sitting through this bug-filled 45-minute stretch. Be thankful it’s a bottle episode. Yep, writer Darin Morgan is at it again, but in a good way. And it’s way more enjoyable because it’s one of the few times Mulder’s cell phone comes in handy. In Miller’s Grove, Massachusetts, we open on an exterminator sounding way more passionate about a cockroach than he really needs to be, shortly before he stomps one to death. Bug Man continues his God complex while talking with customer Dr. Jeff Eckerle about how to get rid of roaches. He acts a lot like John Goodman in Arachnophobia when coming across a roach that just won’t die, even when he steps on it. Maybe the roach should have the God complex for Bug Man has some type of attack and roaches come out of the wall to dominate him. Roaches: 1, Man: 0. Hope Dr. Eckerle didn’t pay in advance. On the upside, it sounds like Mark Snow had fun creating the score for this one.
Scully calls Mulder, who’s driving around Massachusetts because his apartment is being fumigated – yes, really. They quickly get into a very deep, philosophical conversation about the possibility of life on other planets. Fox gets interrupted by local police Sheriff Frass, who thinks Mulder is waiting for his drug dealer. After a quick attitude adjustment brought about by Fox's credentials, the sheriff gets spooked when Mulder talks about bugs on the windshield. The funny part is how Frass was puzzled because Fox was using his windshield wipers, presumably because it wasn’t raining. But the scene cuts to the cop going back to his car and it’s clearly raining. Either way, the sheriff bolts because of a bug-related call. Turns out, three people have been “killed” by roaches in one day. Guess that makes it Roaches: 3, Man: 0. Mulder wants Scully up there to help him, but she tells Mulder the victims likely died of anaphylactic shock. He agrees and she goes back to eating dinner and watching TV. Meanwhile, some stoners are using chemistry to expand their minds, man. One watches a roach crawl inside his arm and tries to cut it out. Tyler Labine, playing the first of three stoners on The X-Files, and Nicole Parker, playing the first of three chicks on The X-Files, try to keep their friend from killing himself but are unsuccessful. Roaches: 4, Man: 0. Fox again calls Dana to come up to investigate with him, but Scully explains the victim likely suffered from Ekbom’s Syndrome, a delusional infestation brought about by drug use. Mulder agrees and Dana goes back to washing her dog – yes, she still has Queequeg.
Fox finally finds a roach at the crime scene, but its metal exoskeleton disintegrates. That’s not normal, even for an X-File. The sheriff thinks the government created the killer cockroaches just like killer bees and the poor medical examiner gets swarmed while sitting on the toilet in the hospital. Roaches: 5, Man: 0. Mulder spots a live suspect roach and tries to take it in for questioning, but it escapes down the drain. Fox calls Scully yet again for help, but she diagnoses a brain aneurysm based on Mulder’s description of the medical examiner’s body. Guess he should have eaten more fiber. Dana then goes back to reading Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She really just wanted a quiet night at home, didn’t she?Fox is breaking into the Department of Agriculture building when Scully calls to tell him about her killer cockroach research. He’s wandering the house in the dark when he notices the rippling walls. You know what that means. So Mulder’s surrounded by roaches when the next worst thing happens ... his flashlight dies. Luckily, he gets rescued by the lovely Dr. Bambi Berenbaum of the U.S.D.A. Agricultural Research Service, played by Bobbie Phillips, David Duchovny’s former Red Shoe Diaries co-star. Dr. Bambi is the anti-Scully, not only believing in aliens, but believing insect swarms are UFOs. She admires insects because they only eat, sleep, defecate and procreate … just like humans. Fox is so taken with Dr. Bambi he actually hangs up on Dana – doesn’t he realize she lost contact with him when the roaches attacked him?! Stop thinking with Little Mulder, Fox!
In Mulder’s hotel, another lodger is about to experience a roach-related death. He also seems to be getting a little bug-paranoid and calls Scully back – finally – although it’s not like she used any of her FBI resources to make sure he was OK. Mulder admits he hates insects. He again hangs up on Dana when a hotel room guest screams. Of course, the unfortunate soul who finds the latest victim is poor Dr. Eckerle. Fox misses the roaches again. Roaches: 6, Man: 0.Dr. Scully is packing to head up to Massachusetts. Is it because of the case or because she’s jealous of Dr. Bambi? Turns out, all of Dana's diagnoses were correct. Mulder finally finds a live one, in a Roach Motel, no less. He brings it to Dr. Bambi who is disturbingly impressed by how well hung it is … the roach, not Fox. Mulder seeks out Dr. Ivanov, who believes in aliens but disses Fox's stereotypical alien theories. Mulder shows the robot roach legs to Dr. Ivanov, who is at a loss for words. I’ll let Sestra Pro articulate what happened next because I’m curious to know whether it’s a Darin Morgan or Kim Manners bit of inspiration.
Scully, who is heading Fox's way, shows up at a convenience store being overrun by paranoid people. I can understand people taking batteries, bug spray and water, but why is the sailor taking chocolate and panty hose? Dana tries to drill some common sense into the customers, but it doesn’t work out so well. Hope she was able to find a road map. Mulder finds another roach and brings it to Dr. Bambi, but it’s a normal one. Scully learns Dr. Eckerle’s research may be ground zero since roaches are dung eaters and may have arrived in his international samples. Fox is … skeptical. He’s still on the alien insect infestation bandwagon. He goes to Eckerle’s lab, but the doctor shoots at him. Mulder reminds him about the presence of methane gas, hoping he’ll put the gun down. Too bad Eckerle thinks Fox is a cockroach too.
Dana arrives and meets Bambi before going inside to rescue Mulder. Unfortunately, Fox's cricket-sounding cell-phone ring tone almost gets him shot. Sculder get out of the building just before it blows up, but they get covered in … crap.
The next morning, the sheriff updates them regarding other incidents that occurred in town overnight -- riots, fires, car crashes. Dr. Ivanov arrives and hits it off with Dr. Bambi. Does that mean Mulder was cock(roach)-blocked? Ivanov: 1, Mulder: 0.
Sestra Professional:
What do you mean, why does the guy need chocolate, Sestra Am? Panty hose, maybe not so much, although I'm thinking of Dick Cavett's Apollo 13 joke at the moment or maybe he's making plans to be one of the looters.
Behold the mighty cockroach: It's a shame we only have Darin Morgan writing three episodes of the initial series run -- plus a quarter of another one if you count the scene penned by him in the upcoming Loch Ness monster-flavored "Quagmire" later this season. Luckily, we'll have Vince Gilligan -- and even executive producer Chris Carter -- to assume some Darin-esque duties with some deep-seated, flavorable eps. And to poke some fun at our agents, who definitely need it from time to time.It's not just that Morgan has a way with words and phraseology and plot devices, it's the way he taps into our psyches and cultural and delivers the most entertaining and even plot-advancing material. But I have to add Darin wasn't real happy with the finished product, which does come off as an homage to the standard War of the Worlds blueprint.
This one's got so much meta behind it, there's almost no time to discuss the real show. Dr. Berenbaum caused more X-Files fans to riot about Mulder's love interest than the vamp he actually slept with in Season 2. Personally, I don't think there was anything to worry about. The telephone conversations between the agents are a lot more intimate than the awkward flirtations between Fox and Bambi. Meanwhile, Scully correctly details possible causes of death long distance, while still being able to enjoy at least half of what the rest of us might consider a quiet evening at home. Scully, what are you wearing?: We actually get insight into why Dana continues to not believe in aliens -- she believes the universe couldn't have created as complicated a life form as the human race. To her, it's downright anti-Darwinian. Scully uses a Planet of the Apes reference to inadvertently raise Mulder's temperature even more (and prime him for meeting Bambi, no doubt.) But Fox might be even more turned on if he knew Dana was cleaning her gun at the same time she was having that discussion.
Morgan doesn't put Mulder through quite the ringer that he usually does, maybe that's why Darin finds fault with the finished product. Minus the dung that rains down on both the agents at the end, of course. And the emergency-room doctor who feels "slightly constipated" after not getting any answers from the special agent. And young Fox's praying-mantis epiphany scream. And the insect robot attracted to Mulder. And the doctor berating him for being brainwashed by too much science fiction. I guess Morgan still tags him a time or five, not including the big in-joke -- David Duchovny missed Truman Capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's in the final round while competing on Celebrity Jeopardy.All his contributions are built this way. The sheriff's name is Frass, you say? Frass means insect excrement. The episode's title "War of the Cophrophages" is derived from the word meaning "feeding on dung." The chocolate sounded great, maybe a wee bit less when looking at a box labeled Choco Droppings. But that had to taste better to Gillian Anderson than the cricket she ate in in her last Morgan episode. (By the way, is Dana counted among the looters for eating chocolate without paying for it? Nah, I'm sure she left a buck on the counter.)
And Kim Manners is the perfect director to bring Morgan's work to the screen. His offbeat sensibility serves the material well, whether shooting Mulder reaching for a cockroach inside a sink drain, Fox and Bambi looking at an insect's genitals through the same microscope, the cockroach POV in which Mulder looks like a prism, or the renegade insect darting across the screen. (Sestra Am, that was indeed Morgan's idea, and according to The Complete X-Files, he was dismayed to not get reports of people across the nation throwing their shoes at their TV sets in fear, a la the original War of the Worlds.) Here's the late, great Manners recounting "directing" the roaches in the third-season episode guide: "After about four takes, as a joke, I said to Debbie Cox, our wrangler, bring the bugs over here. I stuck my head in the bucket and I said, 'Now listen you little (expletive deleted), I'm gonna give two cues: The first one is 'Camera action' and the second one is 'Action.' That's when you little (expletive deleted) run to the top of the tank.' I said 'Action!' and they were right there. An absolutely perfect shot. It's a true story, and it worked."
This is no place for an entomologist: Any fan who's seen the blooper reel probably can't look at Scully driving up to the factory and delivering the line "Let me guess, Bambi" without thinking of Tom Braidwood -- Frohike to all of us, but the first assistant director behind the scenes -- doing the same thing in camera rehearsal.
But it's Morgan's show to the end, maybe he hasn't seen as many dog X-Files episodes as we have. It really works right down to the final touch, Mulder typing his report and having the computer glitch on the word "technology."Guest star of the week: Manners induced relaxed performances from his leads and the main guest actors. Smart is indeed sexy, and even after a late entrance, Ken Kramer steals scenes -- and the girl -- as Dr. Alexander Ivanov. Only in a Darin Morgan script would the hot scientist end up with the wheelchair-bound, mechanical voice box-using doctor.
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