X-Files S1E7: Spirits in the material world

Editors' Note: On the rewatch of The X-Files, Lorrie plays the part of Sestra Amateur and Paige serves as the resident "expert," aka Sestra Professional.

Sestra Amateur:

From the title "Ghost in the Machine," I wondered whether this would be  another ghost story like the previous episode, "Shapes." I ain’t afraid of no ghosts, but I’d like some variety.

The episode starts in the Eurisko building in Crystal City, Virginia. CEO Benjamin Drake is firing non-CEO Brad Wilczek, who replies, “You’re going to regret this,” then leaves. Brad is probably going to regret saying that. Weird things then happen to Benji. The bathroom sink overflows, he receives an automated time check call on the restroom phone and he gets locked in. Someone also appears to be watching him on the surveillance camera. Benji gets electrocuted and a computerized voice says “File Deleted.” Guess we’re watching Gremlins 2 instead of Poltergeist 2.

Mulder’s former partner Jerry Lamana asks for his assistance with the murder investigation. Mulder enthralls Scully with the riveting tale of why he and Jerry are no longer partners – different career goals, yawn – but it turns out Lamana is also screw-up who is only a good agent when working with Mulder. 

At the Eurisko building, the camera follows Sculder and obtains Scully’s phone number through an ID search. Great, so the building is controlled by the CIA?  Nah, it’s just the COS – central operating system. “HAL” continues to watch Sculder as they talk about the COS with Claude Peterson, the computer's glorified maintenance man. Peterson points out that the only other person on the suspect list would be Brad “You’re going to regret this” Wilczek. Well, unless Brad didn’t do it.

Jerry presents Mulder’s suspect profile as his own and gets praised for the work. Mulder asks Lamana “WTF?” -- but not in those exact words. Sculder notice Wilczek's home camera system is a lot like the one at Eurisko. The guy admits he is the logical suspect, but claims he didn't do it. HAL later accesses Scully's field notes on her computer. The next day, Scully uses technology to show Brad’s voice is the same as the voice on the automated time check that Benji heard before he was murdered. This convinces Scully that Brad is the murderer. That’s quite a leap since Brad created Eurisko; it makes sense that his voice would be used for automation, but OK. Jerry wants to bring in Wilczek by himself so he can get even more accolades. Good thing Mulder agrees. With Lamana hot on his tail, Brad goes to Eurisko to access HAL, who talks to Brad even though HAL isn’t equipped with a voice interface program. That can’t be good. HAL traps Jerry in the elevator then kills him. Program executed, indeed.

Mulder reviews the surveillance footage which makes it look like Wilczek is responsible, but he, of course, thinks otherwise. Scully tells Mulder that the "genius" signed a confession. See? Brad clearly didn’t do it. Without Code 5 clearance, Mulder can't get by FBI bullies at Wilczek's house, so he meets with Deep Throat for answers and learns about AI. No, not the Spielberg movie Artificial Intelligence. The Department of Defense is apparently interested in Brad and his AI technology. Brad doesn't mind staying in jail instead of refusing to let the government use his work the way atom bombs were utilized in World War II. So HAL technically killed Drake in self-defense? Sounds legit.

HAL calls Scully to ask her desktop computer out on a date. OK, it’s more like a Tinder hookup through the modem. I do not miss that annoying sound modems made when they are trying to connect. Anyway, that computer connection is traced back to Eurisko. Mulder is already there and Sculder try to use Brad’s license plate to gain access to the building.  But HAL is too smart for them and crashes the security gate onto Mulder’s car. That is exactly why I don’t like gated communities; I always worry the automated system will malfunction and try to crush me. For those who have seen a 1981 TV movie called This House Possessed, you know what I mean.

Sculder finally get inside, but have to take the stairs so they don’t die like Lamana. Twenty-nine floors -- ouch. Like Venkman said in Ghostbusters, “When we get to 20, tell me; I’m gonna throw up." HAL knocks out the lights, but not the cameras. He also tries that electrocution trick again. You need some new material, HAL. Mulder shoves Scully into an air vent so she can get to the computer room. I really, really wanted HAL to ask, “What are you doing, Dana?” but he didn’t. Peterson opens the door for Mulder while Scully gets blown away – not with an explosion, but with wind. HAL tries to push her into a fan to get chopped into bits and pieces -- what a dick -- but our intrepid heroine shoots her way out of it. Mulder accesses the system to enter a virus that Wilczek gave him, but Peterson pulls a gun on Mulder. Apparently,the guy's a government agent who has been undercover for two years. Scully gets the drop on Peterson and Mulder introduces the virus into the COS. Get this? HAL actually says, “What are you doing, Brad?” Score one for Sestra Am! HAL better not start singing "Daisy Bell." Good, he didn’t.

 Mulder meets again with Deep Throat and finds out the government has hidden Brad away hoping to convince him to let them use his AI technology. DT reminds Mulder that Brad confessed to murder -- which he did not commit -- and Mulder destroyed the evidence that could exonerate Brad. Nice work, Mulder. This episode doesn’t feel like a win. I’m going to enjoy a nice AI marathon of my own:  The Terminator, the Matrix … and This House Possessed.

Sestra Professional:

I got an unintentional jolt out of this episode. See, I was reheating my pepper steak leftovers and the microwave seemed to be making strange noises. When I was texting Sestra, I became suspicious of my cell phone's behavior. I mean does spellcheck really try to fix things or is it just trying to drive you slowly insane by altering words you spelled right to something wrong and incoherent?

Still, the interesting concept of technology-based paranoia doesn't seem to translate into the then-newly formed scope of The X-Files. This episode is kind of cold and calculating ... gasp ... like a machine!

So here we meet one of Mulder's former partners. They imply he's no longer working with Jerry because Mulder is a pain in the ass. Not because Lamana is a complete incompetent who would drive someone of Mulder's obsessive compulsive nature out of his gourd.

There's a short list of suspects in the murder -- one guy. Mulder discounts him because "that just seems to obvious." Yeah, 'cause the obvious one never commits the crime. Maybe instinctively Mulder knows that if Wilczek was the actual perpetrator, his wussy ex-partner would have been able to solve the case without calling on him and stealing his profile. Or perhaps passively aggressively, Mulder wanted HAL to take care of that for him.

Deep Throat's presence in this episode has always felt off to me. I guess he's just there to confirm the government has more than just a passing interest in a computer and point out the Department of Defense would naively consider that such an entity could be controlled.

Meanwhile, Scully is overly focused on that one guy, who "has a predilection for elaborate game playing." Her voice match theory has more holes in it than Swiss cheese. Having her computer hacked in the middle of the night sure changes her mind fast.

And we're off toward the exciting climax -- introducing a virus into a computer! A gate crashes onto the agents' car roof. Mulder does a lot of one-liners like "Open sesame," "So much for the element of surprise," "What are you looking at?" and "Trick or treat" -- it was the Halloween ep, you see. And Scully crawls through pristine air ducts until the computer gets ... wait for it ... wind of that and starts blowing her around the building like a plastic bag in a storm. Then the crawlspace areas are suddenly full of debris, and she is powerless to stop this phenomenon with any means other than her weapon. But finally, a floppy disc is inserted into the drive! The machine is dead. Long live the machine! Whew. Sigh. Yawn.

There is some fun to be had from a meta point of view for a hard-core X-Phile fan. A garden-variety scene with Mulder and Scully in an elevator is conventional at face value. But if you've ever seen the Season 1 gag reel (or the screen grab I just posted next to this paragraph), though, you're getting an entirely different vibe off that.

GUEST STAR OF THE WEEK: Blu Mankuma. He's a familiar face (and voice) from a myriad of television and movies, including Transformers: Beast Wars, Upside Down and Look Who's Talking. But this episode's glorified building super-turned-shadowy government guy also returns in Season 5 to play a contentious detective at odds with Lili Taylor's blind woman in "Mind's Eye." Plus his name is cool.

X-Files S1E6: Don't go into the Shadows

Editors' Note: On the rewatch of The X-Files, Lorrie plays the part of Sestra Amateur and Paige serves as the resident "expert," aka Sestra Professional.

Sestra Amateur:

A Philadelphia man named Howard Graves is dead. His secretary, Lauren Kyte, is packing up his office. As she leaves, the boss' inspirational desk plate moves on its own. She steals it – I mean takes it as a memento – and leaves. Later that night, the woman is depositing her paycheck in an ATM when she gets attacked by two men. Two hours later, the men are found dead. Serves ‘em right.

Scully and Mulder are called to the Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland by an unknown government agency to utilize their knowledge of extreme phenomena. They see the two dead men and learn the bodies are still warm after being dead for six hours. The men’s throats appear to have been crushed from the inside. Mulder claims he’s never seen an X-File like this before, but his pants were on fire when he said that – figuratively, not literally. The shadowy government agent sends Sculder on their way without giving any more case details. Mulder then admits the truth to Scully and reveals to her he obtained the dead men’s prints on his glasses. OK, that was pretty clever.
 

Lauren shows up for work and doesn’t look like she was in a life-or-death wrestling match with two guys. She wants to talk to Howard’s replacement Robert, who looks like Cigarette Smoking Man’s younger brother. But Robert’s secretary, who seems like the type who would be insulted if you called her a secretary instead of administrative assistant, gives Lauren a hard time. Something causes snippy secretary’s coffee to spill, which gives Lauren a chance to talk to the new boss. Lauren tells Robert she wants to quit, but he says he won’t let her leave and grabs her. Something then grabs him so Lauren can get away. Supernatural bodyguards are handy. 

Mulder identifies one of the men from the fingerprint he took and learns the dead bodies were found in Philadelphia, so the agents head there. (Hope they took plenty of Vitamin C, so they don’t catch the “Philadelphia Phunk.”) Mulder finds the ATM Lauren used and the video clearly shows her attack. It less clearly shows Supernatural Bodyguard in the background.  Or as Shaggy would say, “a g-g-g-g-ghost?!?!” Sculder go to Lauren’s house to talk to her. They show her the surveillance picture and she tells them part of the story. Sculder leave, but Supernatural Bodyguard takes control of their car and causes a crash. Prudent Scully assumes someone tampered with the car because they’re getting close to the truth. Mulder thinks it’s either Carrie or Poltergeist.

Scully learns Howard committed suicide and then Sculder follow Lauren to Howard’s grave. There, a creepy but genial gravedigger tells them Howard had a daughter who died 24 years earlier because of Howard’s neglect. Lucky for Sculder they conveniently stumbled across the most knowledgeable gravedigger ever. Mulder looks at a surveillance picture of Lauren and it looks like Howard is sitting beside her. Are they working a faked death case or ghost case? Supernatural Bodyguard -- Howard -- convinces Lauren he was murdered with some kind of bathtub reenactment. Scully confirms through leftover tissue that Howard really is dead. Lauren confronts Robert at work and he threatens her. And even though Lauren tells him that Howard told her the new honcho had her old boss killed, this guy doesn’t call her crazy. I would. 

Two people show up at Lauren’s home to kill her, but Supernatural Bodyguard dispatches them fairly easily. Sculder show up too late and take Lauren in for questioning, but she won’t talk, probably because she thinks no one will believe her. She's not familiar with Mulder obviously. When he queries whether Howard is watching over her, she won't stop talking. Scully takes a very un-Scully like approach by telling Lauren to help Howard with his unfinished business. Turns out Scully was just telling Lauren what she needed to hear. Sculder work with the shadowy agent from the beginning of the episode. Turns out he’s FBI too. They raid Lauren’s workplace looking for evidence against Robert. Lauren helps with the search; that’s really not a good idea. Defense attorneys would have a field day with that and could result in evidence being inadmissible. Lauren tries to stab Robert with a letter opener -- which would be another bad idea if Howard didn't help. Mulder witnesses everything, but Scully doesn’t, of course. Supernatural Bodyguard reveals a floppy disk of evidence behind the wallpaper in Robert’s office to cap the year-long investigation.

Case closed. So by episode 6,  we’ve addressed aliens, monsters of the week and ghosts. Only 201 more to go…    

Sestra Professional:

This episode seems strangely mundane, even with the presence of a pissed-off ghost. Even the title, "Shadows" is lame. This is not The X-Files wheelhouse. I remember a Chris Carter interview about the first season in which he talked about how the network brass wanted the intrepid agents to help those in trouble. I think they figured out pretty quickly that it wasn't the right formula for this show. The show never would have become what it did had it continued in this vein.

There are some interesting concepts, they just don't fit together too well. For example, Lauren's assaulted for quite a while at the ATM by "Mideast extremists" before Supernatural Bodyguard gets around to doing something about it. But heaven forbid snippy secretary not give her a quicker appointment with new boss. And what about the Sculder crash, Supernatural Beeyotch? They're trying to help you ... and Lauren. No need to get them trash compacted.

"I willfully participated in a campaign of misinformation:" Mulder has learned a lot in six episodes, since he's discovered the art of lying. I guess it won't be long until he's stealing inspirational desk plates too. On the other hand, his concept of solving cases is to make more pop culture references (making the quick jump from "how Carrie got even at the prom" to "they're heeeeere") than Sestra Am and I do.

It's borderline compelling that Howard's daughter died very young and Lauren would now be the same age, but that element of the story doesn't serve any purpose other than to offer an explanation about why Supernatural Bodyguard's hanging around. And it took him a few months to get around to showing her that he was killed of unnatural causes? Maybe he was like Sam Wheat in Ghost, and he couldn't figure out how to do it right away.  

Scully gets all revved up about solving a case that's tangible instead of chasing after shadows, and delivers a lot of important exposition on the serving of warrants for the sale of restricted manufactured parts in the form of falsified export licenses, parts manifests and communiques on computer disks or hard copy. Ooooh, exciting! Mulder would rather witness spectral phenomena. I haven't taken his side a lot in the early going, but I kinda agree this time.

And that climax, in which Mulder -- as Sestra Am said -- gets to experience the paranormal while Scully is inconveniently left out of that loop because she was carrying boxes. Let's just say that ghost can throw papers around a room better than an industrial-strength fan ... but perhaps not better than the winds that gusted down my block Friday before the recycling truck finally showed up. I had to clean up the street in front of my house about six times -- including a wine bottle, some gunky lotion decanters, an array of aluminum cans and an assortment of food boxes that we hadn't consumed. Yep, that was more stirring than this episode. But nice fakeout at the end with Lauren thinking Supernatural Bodyguard was still around, when it was just something of this world.

GUEST STAR OF THE WEEK: The best moment of the episode is actually an in-joke. It ... escapes me why Lauren would be upset about her old boss no longer having a parking space since he no longer has a body, buuuut since it's about to be stenciled over with the name Tom Braidwood, I'm willing to forgive and forget. Braidwood was a first assistant director on the show (albeit not credited for this ep) and later becomes one of the Lone Gunmen in the series, the first feature film and the short-lived spinoff.

X-Files S1E5: Worst Devil loss ever?

Editors' Note: On the rewatch of The X-Files, Lorrie plays the part of Sestra Amateur and Paige  serves as the resident "expert," aka Sestra Professional.

Sestra Amateur:

There’s a family driving toward Atlantic City that experiences car trouble. Based on the car and clothing, it looks like I’m watching a first-season episode of Mad Men. Dad checks on it and promptly gets attacked by an unknown creature. Since we didn’t see any bright lights from above or some type of flying object that’s unidentifiable, it’s safe to assume this is not an alien episode.  It must be a creature of the week ep!

Cops find Dad and see that something – someone? – ate one of his legs. The cops find the attacker in a cave and shoot at it. A lot. We don’t find out if they killed it because it cuts to the opening credits. When we return, Scully is telling Mulder about a body found in Atlantic City. She also mentions that a human possibly ate the victim’s right arm and shoulder. Not sure why Scully is keeping the victim info gender neutral, but there’s probably a reason. Mulder immediately thinks it’s the Jersey Devil, but I don’t think Ken Daneyko is capable of something like this. Bobby Holik maybe, since he already has that Frankensteiny, unibrow look. Mulder tells Scully about a previous case from 1947. OK, so my estimate was off by a decade. Scully claims JD is a myth, but I think Salinger was just reclusive. Oops, wrong JD again.

So Sculder head to AC where Sestra Pro and I once saw Lindsey Buckingham in concert. The man puts on a great show. Sculder offer their services to local police who ... politely decline their offer.  Detective Thompson, in particular, really does not want Sculder to get involved. Mulder decides to stay and sends Scully on her way.  Mulder locates Peter Brullet, the park ranger who found the most recent body. Ranger Pete tells Mulder about related ominous things he’s found during his 32-year career, but he’s afraid to say more because he doesn’t want to lose his pension. Jeez, how long do you have to work for the Parks Department in New Jersey before you can get your pension?

Meanwhile, Scully is at her godson’s birthday party and has the obligatory talk with her friend about Scully’s personal life. She apparently won’t date Mulder because he is “obsessed with his work.” That’s one way of putting it.

Mulder pays a homeless guy $20 for information. For some reason, that reminded me of the scene in The Naked Gun in which the informant ends up paying Leslie Nielsen for information. Homeless Guy gives Mulder a crude drawing of JD that looks like a naked Marilyn Manson. Mulder lets Homeless Guy take his hotel room for the night. Free HBO, woohoo! Mulder waits for MM – I mean JD – and his patience pays off.  Mulder sees JD – who now looks more like Brooke Shields in The Blue Lagoon – but JD gets away.  The local police arrive, think Mulder is a homeless bum and take him into custody.  Mulder confronts Detective Thompson and accuses him of covering the truth about the JD because it would affect Atlantic City’s tourism. After all, most people don’t want to travel to a place where you can get killed and dismembered during while on vacation. The Mayor of Shark City – I mean Detective Thompson – denies it.

Scully retrieves Mulder.  She takes him to the University of Maryland to talk to one of her former professors. He provides anthropological exposition about JD, but I had to watch the scene twice because his delivery caused me to lose interest in what he was saying. Professor Snooze should have sung the exposition like Giles did in the Buffy episode "Restless."

Later that night, while Mulder is looking at Sasquatch erotica, Scully is on a date with a divorced dad, you know, a nice normal guy. Too bad he makes Professor Snooze seem exciting. Ranger Pete tells Mulder he found another dead body, possibly the male JD. Mulder tells Scully, essentially giving her an out for her date. Sculder, Ranger Pete and Professor Snooze go hunting for Brooke Shields, but ACPD arrive and complicate matters. Brooke tackles Mulder and we see her – she kind of looks more like me on a bad hair day. She gouges Mulder and the police chase her into the woods. The Four Musketeers follow. Ranger Pete shoots her with a tranquilizer dart, but she keeps going. The cops use more lethal ammo and kill her.

One week later, Sculder are discussing the case and the possibility of JD offspring living in the woods. Turns out it’s true, because we see a little girl (I think) with my frizzy, tangled hair hiding in the woods on her own. Mulder tells Scully he’s going to meet with an ethnobiologist, which, according to Dictionary.com, is a synonym for anthropologist.  See? Even the lesser XF eps can be informative.

Sestra Professional:

"Lesser" is very kind verbiage for this ep. In Dictionary.com's sestra site, Thesaurus.com, I found these words to use for it -- bush-league, small-time, a notch under, dinky and ... er ... minor-league.

And by the way, this don't look like no hockey game. As earlier alluded to, Sestra Am and I are dyed-in-the-wool New Jersey Devils fans. We ride the teams ups and downs. On this blog, we're riding The X-Files ups and downs. This one's definitely a speed bump in the road. Or maybe I should call this one "a dog." Well, not exactly a dog even thought JD kinda acts like one sometimes.

The teaser has some kick to it, I'll give 'em that much. Well, not the first part where the guy disappears, but the police cornering whatever it is before the opening credits. This is the first of like 14 searches during this ep, so it's a dinky victory indeed.

There's not a lot to like about this episode. It's like a Devils game in which the Devils don't score. The humor is bush-league -- from Scully commenting on Mulder looking at a centerfold (in the office?!?) by stating "Anti-gravity is right" to the homeless man who wants to watch HBO to the oh-so-clunky comparison to 6-year-olds running around as "primitive behavior."

"Not an uncommon place to lose a body part": To summarize, this thing terrorizing Atlantic City's neighboring woods is a veritable East Coast Bigfoot that comes out of the woods and attacks cars. Of course, Scully thinks it's a folk tale told to kids. And of course, Mulder believed it way back then too. But bodies are being cannibalized, so Scully wants in -- until she has a kids' birthday party or a date.

Scully on a date? Now that would be an X-File. And the ep loses even more traction here. If you're telling a fantastical tale in which you want people to believe in something unbelievable, don't ground it by interspersing the hunt with Scully attending to a kid who's bumped his head or having dinner with divorced, self-professed "SuperDad" whose day job is in the spine-tingling field of estate planning and taxation. Kinda wanted him to be gnawed upon, and not in a good way.

Meanwhile, Mulder's out on the street under a blanket. Of course, he's going to run into the creature. And of course, his is a shapely woman and not the big uggo of a man others have seen. And of course, he'll be mistaken for a vagrant. Even though he looks just slightly disheveled in his G-man suit and probably could have shown his ID.

Still, Mulder kinda got more action from his blind date then Scully wanted to have with hers. He offers up motive and alibi for the cannibalistic tendencies. In fact, he completely wins over Scully's professor, so much that he joins the second half of the episodes hunts. Scully rolls her eyes, I do likewise.

There's lots of running around -- guys with big guns and some strange drop-and-rolls actually done by David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, which seemed to serve no purpose other than to look cool and liven up a dullsville sequence. Mulder gets bowled over. by Brooke. She sits on him and sniffs. He probably likes it, I don't.

And then one final wide, sweeping search for the unarmed naked woman who leaped from a second-story window. Parks Department guy pegged her at quite a distance with one dart. He probably should go to Atlantic City and rack up some big stuffed animals with that kind of accuracy. Then everyone uses her for target practice. Why? Same reason as why you kill a rabid animal, Thompson explained.

And again the ep's in trouble, because you really don't want stereotypical lawman to make the most sense. We're supposed to side with at least one of the heroes. So more than just one notch under.

But still not the worse Devil loss ever. Hated losing our hated hockey rivals in 1994, although taking the Stanley Cup from them the next year made up for it. In 2001, I had to produce the front page of the sports section saying that Colorado had beaten New Jersey for the Cup. This is just an episode that can be easily let go and not watched ever, ever again. (But they should have won back-to-back Cups to start off the millennium.)